How Do I Treat Those Who Refuse To Repent?
The practical question arises, How do I treat those who fail to or refuse to repent? How can I move forward in my walk with the Lord? How can I get past the hurt, the hate, the anger, the bitterness...?
Unfortunately we have been fed a lie for a long time. We have been told over and over again that there are only two options - either your forgive someone or you twist up with bitterness and grow to be a cranky old person. This is simply not true! There are many examples of believers (as shown above) who never offered full reconciling forgiveness to the unrepentant and who still did not twist up in bitterness and anger.
Below are several steps that may help you find release from bitterness, pent up anger, hurt and pain and so on. These suggestions are applicable to Christians who refuse to repent, loved ones that have hurt you, aggressors that cannot repent (e.g., that have died) and so on:-
- Turn to God and let God be your deliverer. In all the Psalms listed earlier one truth comes out again and again. The Psalmist turns to God, pleads his case and waits for the Lord to deliver or vindicate him. What you are doing when you turn to the Lord is asking Him who is far greater than your enemy to deliver you, to help you, to escort you etc. In your anger, hurt and/or bitter moments you must turn to the Lord and cry out to Him.. If you repeatedly fail to come to the Lord (Hebrews 4:16) you are allowing bitterness and other destructive emotions to build up.
- Make a firm choice and decision that you will not seek revenge neither in deed nor in mind. As you dwell on the revenge and the justification or rightness of your own revenge, you are twisting yourself up in knots. Consciously and consistently decide to let go of the need to get revenge. Leave that to God. This may need lots of prayer, repentance on your behalf and even a mature Christian on whose shoulder you can cry and scream on.
- Realise and know, accept deep within yourself that nothing has happened, is happening, or will happen to you that is not within the Lord’s sovereignty. You must be fully convinced of the Lord’s sovereignty if you are to remain untwisted and unbitter! Take Joseph as an example. He was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers. He was taken from freedominto a foreign land and made a slave. He was thrown into jail for years in Egypt. He could have turned out very bitter, very hurt, very resentful. However, he was very clear that God had a purpose in his betrayal, pain and suffering. In Genesis 45:5-8 Joseph says to his brothers,
“And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be ploughing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt.” Later on (when Joseph’s father died and the brothers feared retribution and sought forgiveness) Joseph says these words on a similar vein, ‘But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.’
says these words on a similar vein, ‘But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.’
Joseph gave up the right to judge his brothers or to take revenge and saw the Lord’s sovereign hand in all that happened to him. If you do not see and accept the Lord’s sovereignty in your life and pain, you will probably always be bitter. Accepting the Lord’s sovereignty shows purpose and meaning in all you suffered. It allows you to have hope for the future, your future.
- Along these lines, you must know deep down inside yourself that Romans 8:28 is true for you and your situation:-
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
This statement/promise from God is true no matter what happens to you. As a Child of God, you can rest assured that everything (even the sins and hurts committed against you) have been worked out by your sovereign God for the good of those who love Him. Even if you can’t see the truth, you can still rest assured that this promise is true. Memorise this verse. Learn to believe it. When you doubt or are bitter or feel like exacting revenge, repeat this verse and dwell on it.
- Whether or not you remain angry is really your choice. Even though complete forgiveness is not given to the other party, you can choose not to harbour the anger and the bitterness of being hurt (James 1:19-20, Philippians 4:8). This happens as you immerse yourself in God’s grace and allow Him to work in your life. Prayerfulness is compulsory for getting rid of your anger. As you leave room for the wrath of God, your anger will dissipate more and more. However, giving up your anger does not mean changing the way you see sin. What was done was sinful and will always remain sinful. We are never called to call sin ‘good’ and something good ‘sinful’. By choosing to give up your anger you are not choosing to condone the sin or to call it anything but sinful.
- Whether someone repents or not is ultimately between them and God. While you may be involved in calling them to repentance you will not be judged according to their repentance or lack of it. You will be judged on how YOU act/react/speak etc. Even when you are sinned against, you are still called to be holy and righteous. Thus make up your mind to act and speak in ways that please God so that you can be perfect just as your heavenly Father is perfect.
- Make time to pray for repentance for the other person (2 Timothy 2:24-26). The more you argue and quarrel with that person the angrier/more bitter you will become.
And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the
hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the
devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.
- As you have opportunity, do good to those who have hurt you. This is often very difficult and painful but as mentioned earlier can help with their repentance or will concrete their condemnation.
- James 4:6 (read in context and note the words ‘more grace’), Hebrews 13:9, Hebrews 4:16 and 2 Peter 1:3-4 show that God’s grace is what changes us. If you have been sinned against and hurt by others, your natural reaction will be to hate, seek revenge and so on. But God promises you more grace so that you can be godly and righteous, so that you can heal, so that you can love again! Turn to God and lavish yourself in His grace and let it heal your wounds. Let His grace dissolve your anger and free you from bitterness.
- Continue to harbour what we have called the spirit of forgiveness, trusting God to bring repentance and full restoration of that relationship.
Many people will argue that the above points represent forgiveness. But as page four outlines, forgiveness involves far more and cannot and should not be separated from repentance, reconciliation and restoration of relationships.
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