Friday November 5, 2010

Read John 13:34-35

Husbands and wives are called to love one another. But what begins as passionate love quickly deteriorates into burden, bane and bitterness. Many spouses, in their determination to be loved, seek to manipulate their spouses.  Some husbands use intimidation and force to get what they need in the marriage. Some wives use guerrilla tactics and deny their husbands physical love until they get what they want.  Part of the key to a successful marriage is to stop taking and to give. When this happens you have two people together seeking to serve the other and meet each other’s needs. What results is a powerful force of love where both parties have their needs met and are assured that love and dedication are the other’s motives. Suspicion is reduced. Anger is annulled. Trust is grown and harvested.

To help you meet your spouse’s needs, consider the five languages of love. Most people have a greater need in one of these areas and they ‘feel’ loved when this particular language is ‘spoken’ by their spouse. The five love languages are:-

1/. Words of Affirmation.

Words of affirmation are positive words spoken about the other person whether it be about them, or their performance in some area. Comments about how nice the house looks, or how professionally mowed the yard looks, or how well the car is running after hubby’s service, are words of affirmation.  To those who have Words of Affirmation as their key love language criticism and negative words communicate something like, ‘You’re hopeless’, or ‘I hate you’ are destructive for the marriage relationship. Take note that even if Words of Affirmation are not the key language for your spouse, negative and critical words are still destructive.

2/. Quality Time.

Quality time is time spent together without an agenda or goal to reach. It’s not about leading up to sex or just sitting together so that something may happen later tonight. Quality time together is spending deliberate time together with the intention of getting to know each other better, talking, falling in love again and just being together. If quality time is your spouse’s love language then not spending time together communicates, ‘You’re not important enough for me to spend time with you’, or ‘I don’t value you enough to spend time with you’.

3/. Receiving Gifts.

Some spouses feel particularly loved when gifts are received. It’s not about the size or value of the gift but the knowledge that one’s spouse has gone to the effort to buy or make a special gift. A small gift will often communicate as much as a large expensive gift.  A flower placed on the bed in the morning or a special note in the lunch box are special gifts. If your spouses love language is receiving gifts and you don’t buy him/her gifts then you are communicating that you don’t value your spouse and that money is more important than he/she is.

4/. Acts of Service.

Acts of service are only limited by your imagination. Some people feel very special when the other partner goes out of his or her way to serve or help them.  Doing the dishes or cleaning up after dinner is a way that a husband can serve his wife. Taking the children out so mum can enjoy quality time alone is another. Cooking a special meal or making an effort to help in the garage (for example) are ways that a wife can serve her husband.

5/. Physical Touch:

When we talk of physical touch men will often think of something sexual. But physical touch is the hugs and kisses, the hand holding and so on that occurs throughout the day without reference to sex. For the spouse that has this love language, lounging together in each other’s arms, holding hands over a meal, a regular hug throughout the day says, ‘I love you’ in the most powerful way. If physical contact is your mate’s love language then an absence of physical touch communicates something like, ‘You’re embarrassing’, or ‘You’re ugly’, or ‘I don’t really love you’.

Let me encourage you to seek to find out your mate’s particular love language. How do you do that? Ask him or ask her! Go out for coffee and cake and spend time talking through the five languages. When you have found it out, speak that language to your spouse each and every single day. But don’t forget to use the words ‘I love you’ regularly as well.

Prayer:-

ÿ Pray that the families in your congregation would be bound together in love and unity. Pray that both husbands and wives would be sacrificially loving one another and serving each other under the headship of Christ.

ÿ Pray that both husbands and wives would be willing and able to serve in the ways and in the roles that God has ordained for them.

Plan a date with your spouse. While you are on a date, talk about the 5 languages of love and which one you and your spouse predominately need. It will probably  differ for each of you. Talk about ways that these needs can be met by each other.